Today’s FAQ is with the kids’ school lunch boxes.
Because, why not? The questions are already fraudulent. Which are also fraudulently answered. Let’s just go ahead and introduce inanimate objects to the mix.
Exciting times here with Friday’s FAQ!
FAQ #1: Hello, Hergenrader lunch boxes. How’s the school year coming along?
Catie’s Lunch Box: Hard work! What happened to public school? Holy Hot Lunch, I loved those government-subsidized lunches Catie used to get. The $2.00 hot lunch let me relax in storage for three years. Now, it’s brutal. The Hergenraders are cheap jerks who refuse to pay private school lunch prices. Where does that leave me? Hauling leaky Thermoses and water bottles everywhere. That’s where.
Sam’s Lunch Box: Rough, man. Rough. Who’s idea was all this sustainable lunch stuff? I miss Ziploc baggies. Sam threw those away. But all these fancy little metal containers that keep baggies out of landfills? THEY SPILL. Drippy strawberries and slimy raisin guts all over me. All the time.
Nate’s Lunch Box: I hear you, dude. I’m hoping for retirement by October.
Elisabeth’s Lunch Box: Retirement is so happening by October. Everyone knows the Hergenraders are too lazy to keep up this daily packing. Last week, the mom forgot a sandwich for me. Elisabeth was begging food from her siblings around the cafeteria.
FAQ #2: So, lunch boxes aren’t like the toys in Toy Story? You don’t like to be used?
Sam’s LB: Heck no! Didn’t you hear what I said about the stupid save-the-environment containers? Those refuse-to-close wimps are not hard workers. All beauty and no grip. Would you like wearing fried chicken slime? I didn’t think so.
Catie’s LB: Retirement is where it’s at. I’m counting the days until the Hergenraders realize they’re not cut out for daily lunch packing. Counting. The. Days. I give them another week.
Nate’s LB: I don’t know if I’ll make it another week. That little kid is rough on me. He drags me down the hall, uses me as a weapon, and whacks me against the wall for absolutely no reason at all. I can’t survive this abuse.
Elisabeth’s LB: Can we talk about those awful water bottles? WHAT IS IT WITH KIDS AND WATER BOTTLES? I look like an incontinent freak with this leaky water bottle dripping out of me all day. It’s humiliating.
FAQ #3: Wow. You guys do have it rough. Best of luck that you survive. I hate to bring this up, but what will you do if the Hergenraders don’t retire you soon?
CLB: Ha! Hahahahahahahaha. You’re kidding, right? We are so headed to the Promised Land of the storage closet. Take my word, it’s just a couple days away.
SLB: Today I’m holding mini marshmallows. In a baggie. The first week of school was all Organic Homemade Chicken Soup. You can tell they’re slipping when they marshmallows come out.
NLB: It’s almost time. I can almost taste the storage closet. Or maybe that’s all the sandwich crumbs I’m tasting.
ELB: I hate to be the killjoy, but I did overhear Elisabeth ask for spaghetti WITH TOMATO SAUCE for her Thermos. If that happens, we’re all doomed. The Hergenraders are just lazy enough to send that in a leaky Thermos. And then forget to clean it out for months.