Here’s how it went down…

Wednesday, After School
3:30 PM: Elisabeth announces she is finished with her homework, even though we have only been home for four minutes. She’s not faking. Homework is her love language. She usually tries to finish it on the ten-minute drive home. Or, at least, upon walking into the house.

5:00 PM: For over an hour, Sam and Nate have been playing the most elaborate game of Farmer Pirates in the history of radically-weird-made-up-games. They have lassoed all the stuffed animals and corralled them onto their ship. Because of the intense strangeness of the game, they totally can’t hear me reminding them to DO YOUR HOMEWORK! (Nate actually doesn’t have homework, but he has the Elisabeth gene that makes him want to do homework. To make him feel good, we tell him to do homework that doesn’t actually exist. Oddly, this keeps him happy.)

6:30 PM: I threaten Sam that he had better get his homework done in the next fifteen minutes or he’s missed his chance to do the assignment. Also oddly, this motivates him to abandon the pirate ship and do his assignment. The work involves telling a story about he can help the environment and illustrating the story.

6:40 PM: Sam writes this sentence, “I can pick up trash. I can also take things back to the store.” (Yes, yes. Shame on me that my kids think returning items to the store is some kind of act of charity. Not to mention an act to save the environment. We will want to work on that by, I don’t know, doing actual charity.)

6:41 PM: I look more closely at the picture. “Is the name of this store Best Buts?” I ask (totally not thinking the name of the store is Best Buts. My kids can’t spell. On a good day, they spell their names right. But with a last name like ours, that’s not even that frequent.)

6:42 PM: Sam: Aughghghghghghg. I feel like you hate me! Aghghghghghgh! I was just trying to be funny for my class! Aghghghghghgh! Why don’t you ever let me tell jokes? I can’t even be funny if you won’t let me say BUTT!”

6:43 PM:
Me: It’s not a big deal. Just change it to Best Robots.
Sam: I’m so stupid! I will have to erase it now.
Me: You can’t erase crayon.
Sam: [fiercely erasing]: Then I might as well QUIT SCHOOL!
Me: It seems like you feel pretty bad about this. Why was Best Buts a naughty thing to write?
Sam: Ummmmmm. I think I was just trying to write BEST BUY. I just didn’t know how to spell it.
Me: Is that a lie, Sam?
Sam: Aughghghghghghg! I am the worst kid everrrrrrr!

6:43PM-8:43PM: Sam alternatingly tortures himself with self loathing. And also frequently announces to no one in particular that I’m too strict. Please note: he does all this without a word from me.

8:43 PM: Sam decides to change the store to Best Buy (spelled Biy…which doesn’t work. I still think it’s funny and sneak to take this picture.

9:43 PM: M gets home. Sam shows him the paper while crying and gnashing his teeth.
M: Why don’t you just change it to Best Robots?
Sam: Good idea. I will. Good night.

9:49 PM: Sam finally joins his sleeping siblings in peaceful sleep.


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